Our parameters are clear, Wisconsin vs. Pittsburgh, time to make a game plan and a menu. This is not going to be a game for the timid and neither is this year’s menu.  From the beer and cheese capital of the U.S., America’s Dairyland brings a hearty cuisine to match its weather and its football team while the steel men from the Iron City bring their own brand of gusto to the game and the table.

This is old school football and old school food. While I’m sure you can find new age “healthy” fare somewhere in Wisconsin, not today.  And when the whistle blows at the mills and factories on the Monongahela, there’s no heading out for an iced chai tea and a salad.

On the Packer side, its cheese, brats and beer, not necessarily in that order, and not as simple as it sounds.  For the Steelers it’s a Primanti Brothers sandwich stacked with everything but the sink and a sweet pierogi to top it off.

In both cases, the beverage is beer—no fancy Hurricanes or Cosmopolitans for this menu—they lost.  If we can’t find Schlitz (The Beer that Made Milwaukee Famous), it’s Miller (Milwaukee and the World) Time.  And if Iron City is not available, Rolling Rock of nearby Latrobe, PA, is the choice of many a ‘Burgher and tastes better anyway.

While there could be changes up until game time, here are the projected lineups for our battle of the Super Bowl Foods:

First Quarter

Home Cookin’ Chips — Salsa Dancin’ with the Blackeyed Peas

Assorted (What else?) Cheeses & Crackers

Second Quarter

Brew & Cheddar Cheesehead Soup

Vs.

Black & Gold Go to Texas Chili

Third Quarter

Beer Grilled Brats on Sheboygan Rolls

Vs.

Picked-Off Primanti’s All-the-Way Sandwich

(Complete with Slaw and Fries)

Coach Mike McMac & Cheese

Fourth Quarter

Polamalu’s Sweet Pierogis

Green & Gold Apple Strudel

Super Sundaes

The brats and rolls have been ordered—for authenticity, like an Aaron Rodgers bomb we’re flying them in from Sheboygan.  If you think we missed something let us know.  Like the Steelers deciding who’s going to snap the ball, there’s still time to make changes.

After that, it’s only a matter of who will win.  Last year, New Orleans’ muffalettas and gumbo made easy work of the Indy corn dogs, but this year’s contest is anyone’s guess.  One thing’s always certain about our battle; no one will go away hungry.

Gobs of Gulf Gumbo for Garcon: Saints fans hope the Indy wide receiver gets as healthy a dose of New Orleans as what’s in this classic favorite.  We’ll start with a roux and load it up with shrimp, lump crabmeat, crawfish tails, okra and andouille sausage.

Indiana Wants Me, Lord I Can’t Go Back Ribs: Anything pork works for Indy, so CBL, aka Sweet Lew, put this in the starting lineup, and why not?  The Colts hope to barbeque Brees and Bush and if Manning’s ribs keep from getting bruised, he’ll go back to Indy with another title.  We’ll “bruise” ours with charcoal and hickory and dress ‘em with CBJ’s Lefty’s Best Barbeque Sauce.

Hush Peyton Puppies: We honor Indy with these corny delights, they go with ribs and kids love ‘em.  But at the same time we use ‘em to bust on Manning.  Great player, but he talks too much.  Shut up and eat!

Hoosier Daddy Corndogs: Right out of the Indiana State Fair, pork wrapped in corn.  Another good one for the kids but an adult or two will sneak one too.  ”Hoo” will own this dish and this game?  Peyton’s daddy Archie was a Saint.  Doo-doo-doo-doo, Doo-doo-doo-doo…

A Muffalotta Offense:  We expect “alotta” offense in this one so we need an awful lotta Muffaletta (in N’awlins they pronounce it moof-a-lotta).  The classic New Orleans Italian cold cut super sandwich is a must have if you go to the Crescent City, and a must have on this menu.  Slices of Cappicola and Prosciutto ham, Genoa salami, Mortadella, Pepperoni, Provolone and Mozzarella on a round Italian loaf slathered with olive salad and cut into wedges.  CBJ’s favorite N’awlins food and the real reason he wanted the Saints in this one.

N.O. No Longer Po-Boys: Just by making it to the Super Bowl the Saints, no longer the “Ain’ts,” their fans, their city, and especially their players, coaches and owners, are no longer poor! In honor of how far they’ve come we honor one of their greatest creations, a pre-depression-era sandwich handed out to striking transit workers by a supportive local restaurant. The sandwich, like the Saints, is no longer cheap and ours are filled with fried oysters and BBQ shrimp.

CBB’s Black and Gold Beans:  Gotta have beans with ribs and CBB’s Black to match the Saints ones are the perfect accompaniment.  He’ll add some “gold” with some golden-browned treat that’s a game-time decision on a need-to-know-basis.

Cajun-Covered Austin Collie-Flower Salad:  CBJB, aka Jaybird, came strong with the suggestion of “Austin Collie-flower” so since we’re light on the “salad” portion of our meal, this will work.  Wide receiver Austin Collie, rookie hero of the playoffs (Playoffs?) for the Colts gets a chance to see how he stands up on the big stage.  We’re going to cover our Collie-flower with corn (to make him feel at home) but kicked up with a Bourbon Street confetti of peppers, onions seasonings to see how he can hang with the big dogs.

Sweet Endings: Without a team to call my own (whither the Baltimore Colts) I always root for Offense and Overtime.  A high scoring affair with a who gets the ball last, down to the last second ending is sweet to me.  Here’s what we’ll have as we finish strong…

Does Coach Caldwell Have Popcorn Balls:  The Colts refused to play for the perfect season by backing off once they were in the playoff driver’s seat.  We’ll see if caution bites them back.  CSS (Comfort Sister Susanne) provides this treat as we see the results.

Bourbon (Street) Banana Who Won the Bread Pudding:  Bananas Foster is the classic New Orleans dessert.  CBJ adapts it to his famous bread pudding further paying homage by using Croissants for bread.  We’ll enjoy this as we learn who wins the game and the score by quarters pool.

Make Your Own Super Sundae:  Super Sunday is as fun as you make it.  So it is with the Super Sundaes.  As with the spectre of a world championship, it’s there for the taking.  Go for it.

Have fun and stay tuned for the post-game recap.

• Temperature records, based upon humans reading thermometers, dates all the way back to the 1850’s.
• The earth has been around significantly longer than that.
• At one time, dinosaurs roamed the earth.
• There have been several “ice ages” in the history of the earth, the latest glacial maximum being reached about 20,000 years ago.
• Since man has only been around a couple hundred thousand years, something other than the SUV must have been heating the earth, until something else cooled it again.

Humans, collectively, have a built-in arrogance that has led to countless mistaken assumptions and ultimately, policy, often leading to the near extinction of some of their own kind. See: location of the earth relative to the sun, shape of the earth, multiple Gods or a single God and what they “want us to do.” See also: The Spanish Inquisition, Holocaust, Northern Ireland, 911, Columbus Day, and the term “Indians.”

It’s not surprising that our innate arrogance leads us to believe that our presence on this planet has anything to do with how and when it wants to heat or cool itself; history and evidence be damned! Think of how many of us are in denial of the fact that humans are born omnivores. Hello? Nature? Yes, we were made to eat meat, to like it, and to have it be good for us. But I digress.

On the other hand, if the possession of such power and control were true, I say, Great! Bring back the dinosaurs while we’re at it! Obviously we have the power, and the dinosaur rights people would be happy, as long as we don’t endanger them by cooking them up and offering them to our diners! T-rex tartare? Awesome.